Every year I glance at a calendar at the beginning of June and am shocked to see that Father’s Day is printed somewhere around the middle of the month. Really? When did they start putting Father’s Day in June? The truth of the matter is that it has always been there, just as Mother’s Day is always in May, my brother’s birthday is always in April and Memorial Day is always in, um, I think May…. I am no good at keeping dates straight, and it is not for lack of effort. I have started numerous books and calendars to try to keep dates on my radar. And numerous times I have either lost it, or forgot to consult them. It is a tragic curse that has left more than a handful of loved ones feeling sad and neglected.
So this year for Father’s Day I was totally stoked when I remembered the event three days before hand. Excellent! Although a gift would not make it by Sunday, it would make it in the seven days following which, I’m ashamed to say, is REALLY good for me. And so I logged onto the trusty internet during lunch to seek out a gift – something interesting, quirky, funny, useful…
I poked around on several of my usual gift sites and found nothing. Frustrated, I decided to take a shopping break to catch up on the Regretsy blog. Regretsy is one of my favorite blogs that makes fun of bad merchandise on Etsy.com and beyond. And what do I see? This. Smears and Robuck. Tears welled up in my eyes as I read the description and attempted to stifle my laughter.
Leave the “Brief Safe” in plain view in your laundry basket or washing machine at home, or in your suitcase in a hotel room – even the most curious snoop will “skid” to a screeching halt as soon as they see them. (Wouldn’t you?) Made in USA. One size. Color: white (and brown).
This was the funniest thing the Internet had bestowed upon me in AGES. COLOR: WHITE (AND BROWN) My mind immediately shifted to my dad, who has a great sense of humor and has been known to send things like a fart machine and “Unfortunate Cookies” to people. Come to think of it, I think he also brought a “Roo Pouch” back from Australia years ago. In our family, “Poo Humor” and the like abound and this Underwear Safe would fit right in. I quickly visited the Sears web site and ordered the gift.
Father’s Day was Sunday, and according to online tracking it was set to arrive Monday. I waited, with bated breath, for the amused phone call. Tragically I missed the call and instead received a message:
Sarah Beth, this is your dad….. (long pause)…. I got what I guess is my Father’s Day gift today…. and I wanted to talk to you about it…. (really long pause followed by “faux” laughter). Give me a call back.
I was concerned. How could he not have found this funny? With a description like that? I could only imaging what the packaging must have looked like.
Now here is the catch – when I viewed this online I did not see any packaging. I assumed it would come in a box that used a ridiculous font like Comic Sans and bold colors with speech bubbles and such. I expected a “Made for TV” type logo on it. I expected a description of what this pair of dirty undies actually was. As I listened to the message the wise words of my geometry teacher ran through my mind, “To assume is to make an ASS out of U and Me.”
Several days later I phoned home. My dad was at work still but mom picked up and I inquired on the gift.
Yeah… what were you thinking? Dirty underwear in a Ziploc bag? You dad was a little, um, …. perplexed?
Her “perplexed” came out questioning and I suddenly felt uncomfortable. “You mean it came in a Ziploc bag? Did it not have a funny box? Or at the least, a humorous description?”
Mom then explained that this poopy underwear safe came in an unmarked clear Ziploc bag in a brown padded envelope with a receipt for $20 bucks. I was horrified. My dad received nothing but dirty undies for Father’s Day. This was NOT good. I tried to explain to my mom, but only got a half-hearted giggle from her. The joke had been missed, monumentally, and my poor dad, well, who knows what my poor dad thought!
And so the moral of this, dear readers, is to research your “gag gift” carefully and never ASSUME anything when it comes to the Internet, especially if it has to do with poop. And, to be safe, maybe avoid gag Father’s Day gifts altogether. Now, I must go commence birthday shopping for the poor guy with whom I share a gene pool and attempt to make amends.